Life Lessons

            Well, I am certainly not different than anyone else.  B”H, thank G-d, I have friends around me who with loving guidance and infinite care, make me look at the bare truth… and I am grateful.

            My 40 day marriage, which resulted in total heartache on my part anyway, made me realize, that not for one minute can I become vulnerable, allow myself the luxury of weakness or self-pity. I cannot ever allow desperation to influence my decisions and I certainly cannot take on that which is not like me. I must never accept that which does not suit my level of Yiddishkeit and compromises Torah and Mitzvot in any way. The Choice of serving Hashem, Crown Heights, my community and service to the REBBE brought me back to reality and I literally escaped the clutches of my Yetzer Ha Rah (evil inclination).

            The great fall on my way home from my Shul (Sukkoth) in October of 2006, left me in an absolute state of clarity, I thought! With all of my friends and students around, I felt so alone. I was in terrific pain, barely able to fend for myself. Moving from my bed to the bathroom was accomplished with the greatest difficulty in excruciating pain. Everyone called, deeply concerned, offering help, but I staunchly refused…my pride simply would not let me accept. How could I let anyone see me like this! I would get through this just like I had gotten through everything else in my life… alone…I could manage.

            Little did I understand, that deep inside the core of my being, had come under attack and somewhere in my mind, I decided that I no longer wanted to be alone under any circumstances. Too many years had passed. I had refused so many possible suitors for one reason or another. I reasoned that I was overly fussy, not compromising enough, too choosey...I was determined that the time had come to change my tune and find a companion for my life.

            The opportunity presented itself shortly thereafter when I had begun to feel a bit better and I seized it. My reasoning’s of old, which had kept me from getting seriously involved with the wrong person, went flying out the window, replaced by a blindness to the most obviously problematic behavior of my future husband. I allowed excuses, made excuses, accepted what normally I would have never acknowledged as possible… I closed my eyes to the harsh reality of what I could and could not deal with and paid for it all… literally.

            To share with you what happened in detail is unnecessary.

            Suffice it to say that the lesson I had to learn was a powerful and difficult one - the pain, the real loss and the aftermath of my actions will take a very long time to heal. The one thing that became totally clear to me is that Hashem is in command, that His work cannot be done by “Miriam,” no matter how much I want to do it, no matter how hard I try, no matter how much I want it to work. Only He can/must bring a person to Teschuvah and only then perhaps can I accept and be there for my partner.

            I learned that taking decisions on my own, without involving my community simply does not work and that ultimately, the time-tested ways of checking someone out really work and have their place on the Shidduch scene.

            I learned humility in the face of what is bigger than “ME”…I learned that my pride and confidence must make way for being able to ask and accept help when needed.

            This is a time of healing, of restructuring my deepest truths and reformulating my profoundest values.

 “Sagacity comes with attaining 60 “ the REBBE says…. For certain this experience is one that I need to share with as many woman as possible and pray, that my mistake will serve others from being hurt as well.